I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
