OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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