I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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