My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
