Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize