Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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