Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I touched a dick in church today
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