I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
