I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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