The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
