I wish they made helmets for livers.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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