I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
