Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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