Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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