Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
