I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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