I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
