I cut my penus on the lid.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
