You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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