Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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