Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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