After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
