So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
