Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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