I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
