all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The uberlube is also flammable
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
