omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
