What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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