I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
