2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
