i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
