Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
