I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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