Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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