there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
