I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
