i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
