The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
