If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
