Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's shark week go big or go home
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
