I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
