Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
