if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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