I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize