I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
