Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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