I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
