take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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