I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
True strength comes from lack of pants
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
