12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize