This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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