Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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