Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm like, not good at living.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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