wakey wakey hands off snakey
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
