I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
