In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
