i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
