I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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