before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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