I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
