I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You can't special order awesome
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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